How very sad

We just received word that a dear friend of our oldest granddaughter committed suicide. Death of a loved one is always hard, but there is no answer to the "why" of suicide. No reasoning or placing of blame on a disease, an accident, or some other obscure factor. There is just the pain of loss.

Guilt is often associated with suicide. "If I had only known, if I had or hadn't said or done such and such." It is useless to entertain guilt, but asking the whys is inevitable and a normal part of grief. It becomes a problem only when these questions become an obsession or the survivor starts to focus blame on themselves or someone else.

Misty has had a hard time resolving difficult issues in the past and my prayer is that this latest crisis will not compound her sense of isolation. She is actually loved very deeply by her friends and family.

Working with Crisis Care Support for a couple years now has taught me several things :

• The average time of grief after a suicide is 4 years
• There is no answer to the question of why, but those in grief should be allowed to ask it anyway.
• Just being there and showing support is what is most important. Just show your love and that you care. Words are not really heard.
• Allow, even encourage survivors to talk and express their feelings, protests, and potential effects of loss on their life.
• Don't tell them what to do or how they should feel. Instead, listen, allow them to grieve openly, offer suggestions for them to choose from (look at old pictures, visit with others who also loved their lost one, go to the funeral, visit the gravesite). Encourage them to get professional counceling if they become dispondent or you are in over your head.
• Do not quote scripture or speculate on reasons for the decission to commit suicide.
• Never speculate that either they or the deceased may be better off.
• Pray with the survivor only with their permission and then keep it simple. By all means pray fervently for them.
• Most of all, be there. Make yourself available. Express your support and love for those in crisis.